Love You

October 11, 2010 § Leave a comment

Love you.
The words tear at my heart.
Insatiable longing for who is not,
at least not yet.

Love you.
Echos again in my mind.
Ripping my heart open
for what is not mine
at least not yet.

Love you.
Whispered this time,
as through time and space
from some unearthly place.
As if to say it is not time,
at least not yet.

Love you.
In sing-song lilt,
almost painful to hear.
Yet peace is some how near.
A promise of forever, no more tears to endure
the day that has not come,
at least not yet.

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Longing Contentment

September 24, 2010 § Leave a comment

I know God has plans for me, yet I long for a child. I am content and full in Him, but I long. I hunger for more. I desire more. In that longing, however there is contentment. The kind that says, “God I trust my dream to Your plans.” I still hope, I still long, but I am content knowing God is in control. I can rest in His love, in His plans, and draw near to Him, despite the longing. Often I draw near to Him because of the longing. Where else can I go? Only He can fulfill my longing. Only He can open my womb and fallopian tubes. Only He can knit a child together in my womb or heart.

Perhaps this is the contentment that Paul is talking about finding. He knows the secret to contentment in any circumstance. Phil 4:11-13 “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” I am sure when Paul was hungry he never stopped longing for food. Yet he was content. He was content because he drew near to Christ. Jesus, our source of strength and comfort.

How often do we let our longing disconnect us from our Source of strength, Jesus. Why not let that longing draw us closer to the Source of power? As we draw near we may find deep contentment side-by-side the longing. Just as an empty stomach will not stop longing for food, our hearts may never stop longing for children. Oh, but we can find contentment as we draw near to God.

Father God, thank You that through Jesus I can do all things that You bring to me. Forgive me for holding to my longing for a child. Help me to bring that longing to You as a daily or hourly or maybe even minute by minute sacrifice. Not to rid myself of this dream, but to come near to You to find the strength to be content in You alone. Thank You for Jesus. In His Name, Amen.

How can you use longing as a reminder to draw near to Him?

My Dear Ones

September 22, 2010 § 1 Comment

Oh to hold you in my arms,
to watch you while you sleep;
to wrap your tiny hand in mine,
to kiss your soft pudgy cheek.

Oh to know the sound of your cry,
to see the sparkle in your eye,
to know your gender,
to say your name,
all privileges never attained.

My precious babies 22,
all wonder and potential,
are you there on heaven’s shore
awaiting my arrival?

My dear ones,
I miss you,
your siblings and daddy say so too,
know you are never far from our thoughts,
until in heaven when we are with you.

Lamenting: Is it Ok?

September 15, 2010 § Leave a comment

On this infertile journey I have often sobbed and cried out to God. Why? Why me? Why this? Why not me? I have mourned babies that I never got to hold in my womb much less my arms. I have cried tears of joy, anticipation, fear, and pain. At times I would wonder if it was “right” to cry out to God like that. Do you find yourself saying, “Self, it is time to buck up and get over this?” Perhaps you have even said, “Self, I know there are others suffering so much more. Let it go.” Only to have the longing and the pain return? Well, in case you didn’t remember – because I clearly at those dark times didn’t – there is a whole book of the Bible dedicated to crying out to God in a desperate situation. It is called Lamentations. Yes a WHOLE book of the Bible dedicated to the groanings of people in a dark place.

What is amazing to me is that despite the difficult circumstances, the author of this book offers hope. Here is what he says: “I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.’ The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.” Lamentations 3:19-26

What an amazing testimony of faith during a dark trial. In the next few posts, I will break these verses apart. However for this post, I want you to know that even on this dark difficult road, you do have hope if you put your hope in God.

Father God, help us to hope in You regardless of the muck around us. Help us as we grieve to cling to You who love us, You who never fail us, You who are our portion in this life. Thank You for always being there. Help us to cling to You and please as You have promised uphold us. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

What to do with Longings

September 13, 2010 § 2 Comments

As I sat in church one Sunday I was distracted. There was a precious child sitting behind me with his grandparents. He was cooing, drinking a bottle, smiling, and laughing. I smiled and a tear developed in my eye as my heart constricted. I wondered how any of us make it through Sunday morning at church. There are always children. Children of every age and yet it is the babies, still bald and chubby, learning to pull up, cooing, and laughing out loud in great delight, that tear at my heart. I smile at their parents, but my throat tightens. I can hardly breathe. Father I say in my head, please remember me. Oh how I long to hold one of those, one who is mine, no matter the color, or sex. Just a baby that is mine. I manage to hold it together, but it is a battle throughout the service. I am blessed that I get to hug the children I do have after service, but I am also saddened as I walk past the baby rooms.

How do we do this thing? How do we live a life of longing? I am praying that every time I long for a child it drives me closer to God. It hurts, I do not understand, but I pray it drives me closer to Him. As I come closer to Him, I pray I let Him heal the other things in my life. My life isn’t perfect, I don’t have it all together nor do I do it all right. I mess up. In fact I mess up a lot. I am thankful for a forgiving God. I am also thankful that He will not finish perfecting me until He takes me from this world. So as I long, I pray I draw close to Him.

How do you handle the longing? What are ways that you make it through church or baby showers? Let me know so we can encourage each other.

Time to Go

September 8, 2010 § Leave a comment

I am in a waiting period in my infertility journey, but many of you are in a season of going. Going involves a different kind of waiting. When we are going, we wait for doctors, test results, social workers, or parental rights to be revoked. This waiting is filled with hope, expectation, and possibility. During my go times, I found myself desperately beyond comprehension hoping. Yet I was holding my heart back for fear that my going would result in nothing. Going was wonderful because we had a plan and a direction. Oh, but going was painful because we never knew what the result would be. Could we get pregnant with IVF this time? Will a birth mom finally choose us, or will IUI work this time?

So how do we get through the waiting while moving ahead without turning into lunatics? Practically, we don’t allow whatever “going” we are doing to consume us. There is a great big world out there beyond whatever road we are pursuing to have children. We have a spouse to love, respect, and encourage. There are friends to encourage, dishes to wash, stories to tell and hear. There is more to life than our going. In fact during this going season we can pick up a new hobby. Knitting. I love to knit. While I waited at doctor appointments, lab draws, and ultrasound checks, I knitted. I made things for friends, family, teachers. Maybe you are a technophile and filling your waiting with time on facebook, blogging, or video games is up your alley. I have also learned that memorizing God’s word is a great way to fill the time that could be squandered in waiting. Perhaps a verse on God’s faithfulness would be a good place to start.

When we start out on the direction God has given us for our infertile journey, let us not forget waiting is a big part of going. As we wait, let us rest in God knowing that; “The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8 God is before us leading us down the path, waiting with us and never leaving us. He is telling us to trust Him with the results and not be afraid or discouraged. He promises to never leave but more than that to never forsake us. Amazing but true. God is in the midst of it all.

Are you going? Are you waiting? Tell me about what you are doing. I would love to pray for you.

Dodging Arrows

September 3, 2010 § 2 Comments

I confess I am not always eloquent, nor do I much grace. I am a klutz who is too familiar with the taste of foot because I often find my foot in my mouth. When it comes to infertility it seems the world around us has foot-in-mouth disease. People say things that must seem funny or insightful to them, but feel like arrows piercing our aching hearts. At least that is how I have felt lately.

I have been dodging arrows. People hear I have three kids or see me with them and jokingly ask, “Are you ready for another.” They think I will quickly say, “NO!” They don’t know that I desperately want more and that I am sad that I have lost so many. I try to dodge the arrow, to pretend I didn’t hear or to laugh it off. Some days I answer, “I would like more, but I can’t have more.” Other days I even explain myself further. “Two of my three are IVF babies, but we don’t have any more embryos, so we can’t have more.” The explanation could drag on and on about the miracle I am praying for and waiting on God to accomplish. In the mean time I am dodging arrows.

Sometimes those arrows hit home and hit hard. I get mad or frustrated. I can really let those emotions drag me somewhere I don’t want to go. So instead I have been praying for wisdom and discernment. I have been praying that as I don the armor of God, I use it wisely. That the belt of truth will be my foundation, that the breastplate of righteousness will guard my aching heart. I pray my feet will be ready to go to spread the gospel regardless of my unruly emotions. I hold high that shield of faith because it helps me ward off the fiery darts Satan throws at me. I pray that my salvation will guard my mind as my helmet and that I will use God’s word as the sword of the Spirit in gentleness and love. (Ephesians 6:10-18)

Sisters, infertility is a battle we are walking through, but God didn’t put us on this battle field helpless, defenseless, or offense-less. We have Godly armor available for our use, as others toss hurtful, crazy, off-the-wall comments toward us. We have to choose to wear it and pray for wisdom about how and when to use certain parts of it.

Father God, we are longing for children and You have said no, at least for now. So we pray that You will give us the strength to don Your armor. Help give us wisdom about when to use Your sword and when it is time to dodge arrows. Father, we thank You that through Your power and wisdom, we do not have to face these hurtful comments alone. Thank You for Your love and provision. Amen.

What are some arrows you have and thrown your way lately? Share with me some of the crazy or even uneducated things people have said to you.

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