Lamenting: Is it Ok?

September 15, 2010 § Leave a comment

On this infertile journey I have often sobbed and cried out to God. Why? Why me? Why this? Why not me? I have mourned babies that I never got to hold in my womb much less my arms. I have cried tears of joy, anticipation, fear, and pain. At times I would wonder if it was “right” to cry out to God like that. Do you find yourself saying, “Self, it is time to buck up and get over this?” Perhaps you have even said, “Self, I know there are others suffering so much more. Let it go.” Only to have the longing and the pain return? Well, in case you didn’t remember – because I clearly at those dark times didn’t – there is a whole book of the Bible dedicated to crying out to God in a desperate situation. It is called Lamentations. Yes a WHOLE book of the Bible dedicated to the groanings of people in a dark place.

What is amazing to me is that despite the difficult circumstances, the author of this book offers hope. Here is what he says: “I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.’ The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.” Lamentations 3:19-26

What an amazing testimony of faith during a dark trial. In the next few posts, I will break these verses apart. However for this post, I want you to know that even on this dark difficult road, you do have hope if you put your hope in God.

Father God, help us to hope in You regardless of the muck around us. Help us as we grieve to cling to You who love us, You who never fail us, You who are our portion in this life. Thank You for always being there. Help us to cling to You and please as You have promised uphold us. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

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Anchor in the Storm

August 30, 2010 § Leave a comment

While trying to conceive, each month feels like a storm. The storm starts brewing as you plot and plan, watch and wait for the “perfect” time to baby dance. The clouds get darker and stormier as your hope increases because the timing was perfect. The winds start to howl as your hormones are whipped into a frenzy. The day has come and there is no sign of your monthly flow, you celebrate. As you head to the store (or cabinet) to get a home pregnancy test you ignore the first drop of rain, deciding it was only your imagination. As the urine dries on the stick, and there is no second line appearing, the storm breaks loose. You feel as if the walls around your house are closing in and a stick that says you are not pregnant is battering you. What is there to keep you safe from the storm of raging hormones, dreams deferred, and dashed hopes?

We who know Christ as our personal Savior, who trust in Him for our eternal security, have an anchor to keep us from being knocked off course. Despite the storm of possibility and dashed hopes, we have a hope that is secure. In fact Hebrews (ESV) 6:19-20 says, “We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf..” Our hope as children of God goes beyond ourselves and this world. This verse says we have a hope that is beyond the curtain, in the inner place. That is referring to the Jewish temple and the Holy of Holies. The Holy of Holies was where a holy God met with unholy man. After Jesus died for our sins, God tore the curtain to the Holy of Holies. Through Christ’s sacrifice everyone could have a personal relationship with God. Therefore our hope and our anchor is the cross in the most holy place, God’s dwelling place, heaven. We have the hope of eternal communion with God. That anchor, that hope, can keep us from dashing into the rocks of bitterness, anger, and self-pity.

When we cling to our anchor despite the storm, we can find true hope. Not hope that we will one day hold of child of our own. No, a hope that does not disappoint. The hope of eternity with a loving God who comforts, loves, protects, and understands our pain.

Thank You God for true lasting secure hope. Help us to hold tight to the anchor of hope you have for us, as the storm of being unable to conceive rages around us. Help us to rest in Your anchor, trusting You for our future, knowing You have a plan for us that is better than we could dream. Thank You for Jesus. Amen.

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Infertility Tears and More

August 20, 2010 § 1 Comment

I have become a crier. I HATE it. I don’t like crying in front of people, or being vulnerable. My mascara runs even though I use the “waterproof” kind. Then I walk around half the day with dark smudges under my eyes and no-body tells me. Do not get me wrong, I have more days of joy and peace than of tears and grief. Yet, I find myself emotional over things I never imagined. For instance, today would have been the first day of Kindergarten for the babies I lost to tubal pregnancies. Strange as it sounds, I am still affected by realizing milestones those children never reached. Literally he or she was in my fallopian tube for four weeks, I only knew he/she was there for two weeks. Howeverthere is a part of my heart still remembering. Still thinking about what he/she would have looked like and if he/she would have enjoyed school like his/her siblings.

Even though I really HATE the tears, they are cleansing. Through them, I am humbled and more compassionate. Paul mentions in Phillipians 3:10, “that I may know Him [Jesus] and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings…” Paul wants to know Jesus, experience the power of His resurrection or victory over sin, but he also mentions sufferings. He says there is a fellowship of His sufferings. When we suffer, we do not necessarily come closer to Jesus, but He comes closer to us. Often it takes suffering to draw us closer to each other. I know suffering brought me several friends that I may have never connected with had we not lost children before we were able to hold them. So not only did I get to make and keep friends for a lifetime that have suffered similarly to me, but I get to draw closer in fellowship with Christ. Nicholas Wolterstorff wrote in his book Lament for a Son, something like “to love this suffering sinful world is to suffer.” When we suffer we better understand God, we better experience Jesus’ willing and obedient suffering on the cross.

Ladies, I am not making light of how we suffer when we long for a child and cannot conceive. However I am seeing how the pain, the tears, the suffering are drawing me nearer to the heart of God. Yes there are times I feel shaken and I certainly never would have chosen this road for my life. However, I would never have known my God the way I do. My compassion is overflowing now. I long to encourage, love, and uphold those of you on this journey. I remember struggling, and I still do long for a child. I remember sobbing, and I still do sob. I want you all to know that I am here to share that yuck and let You know that God loves you through it.

Will I be tearing up in 18 years knowing the babies I lost to tubal pregnancy would be graduating high school? I honestly can’t say. All I can say is that I need a fellowship of sufferers around me. I am praying you have that type of fellowship as you walk this journey. If you don’t have it in person, consider this blog your outlet. Leave a comment and we can encourage each other.

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