October 13, 2010 § 4 Comments
I am enthralled with the Chilean mine rescue that is continuing as I type these words. I am amazed at God’s perfect provision for these men. I am awed at the faith, courage, and perseverance these men have displayed. The idea of being trapped underground for one hour freaks me out. The fact that these men have been there, alive, and generally healthy for months baffles me. It just goes to show me what our God is able to do. I am so glad to see fewer men underground as the hours pass by and I nearly dissolve into a puddle of tears as I see each man raised, essentially from the dead. I am in awe.
This awe is leaking over into my way of thinking about infertility. It often feels like I am stuck in a dark, confined space, when I know God made me for bigger things. I am made to bear children, I am made to mother children. Oh, but I am stuck in a dark hole. I am awaiting rescue. My all-powerful God can make it happen. If God can work things out so that a drill bit cuts into the emergency shelter the 33 mine workers were trapped in, then provide those men with pen, paper, and mental acuity so they can attach a note to the bit, letting everyone know they are alive, then my God can do a miracle in my mine of infertility.
I have said it before and I will say it again, I can get the miracle I want. God could miraculously give my husband and I another child, in my body. Since my tubes are tied, that would be nothing short of an act of God. God could also bring a child that needs adopted and place him or her on our doorstep. You see we cannot go through the emotional ups and downs of treatments or adoption. It would be too hard on us all. Instead, God would have to give us a child. One meant for us to adopt, and make it clear that he or she was from Him. Finally God could do a miracle in my heart and give me contentment in my current situation.
No matter how God chooses to get me out of the mine of infertility, I know He can and He will. I just have to be patient, like those miners. I have to stay in shape, I have to “arm myself with Christ’s attitude” 1 Peter 4:1. I have to trust in God. He is faithful. I just have to rest in Him.
Father God, help me to rest in knowing You are able, You are God, and You have a plan for a miracle in my life. Let my heart be teachable and malleable to Your will and Your ways. Forgive me for despair. Help me to rest in You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
September 13, 2010 § 2 Comments
As I sat in church one Sunday I was distracted. There was a precious child sitting behind me with his grandparents. He was cooing, drinking a bottle, smiling, and laughing. I smiled and a tear developed in my eye as my heart constricted. I wondered how any of us make it through Sunday morning at church. There are always children. Children of every age and yet it is the babies, still bald and chubby, learning to pull up, cooing, and laughing out loud in great delight, that tear at my heart. I smile at their parents, but my throat tightens. I can hardly breathe. Father I say in my head, please remember me. Oh how I long to hold one of those, one who is mine, no matter the color, or sex. Just a baby that is mine. I manage to hold it together, but it is a battle throughout the service. I am blessed that I get to hug the children I do have after service, but I am also saddened as I walk past the baby rooms.
How do we do this thing? How do we live a life of longing? I am praying that every time I long for a child it drives me closer to God. It hurts, I do not understand, but I pray it drives me closer to Him. As I come closer to Him, I pray I let Him heal the other things in my life. My life isn’t perfect, I don’t have it all together nor do I do it all right. I mess up. In fact I mess up a lot. I am thankful for a forgiving God. I am also thankful that He will not finish perfecting me until He takes me from this world. So as I long, I pray I draw close to Him.
How do you handle the longing? What are ways that you make it through church or baby showers? Let me know so we can encourage each other.
September 6, 2010 § Leave a comment
So we are waiting for God to perform a miracle. Right? A miracle in our bodies, so we can have a child, a miracle in circumstance so that a precious child who needs adopted comes to our door, or a miracle in our hearts so that we are content with our current situation. As we wait, we pray. We sometimes beg, other times we timidly ask, still other times we may practically yell our requests. However we wait. We wait for God to move.
The amazing thing is that God promises to renew our strength as we wait on Him. More than that, as we wait, God wants to give us a new perspective of Him. So He mounts us on eagles wings. He promises that we will run and not be weary. Ladies, He wants us to serve Him as we wait. Whatever form it takes, let us be faithful to run hard after God. Let us never waste our waiting on sitting like a bump on the log. However God isn’t done with us yet. On those difficult days when we just don’t have the energy to run, God promises us that we will walk and not faint. Ladies that means that on those hard days when we are struggling with God over our infertility. When we barely have strength to put on foot in front of the other, God is going to sustain us to keep us walking in Him.
In other words, as we wait, we grow in Him and we become stronger. I don’t know about you all, but I certainly could use more strength for the journey.
Father, thank You that as we wait for You, You will renew our strength. Father help us to wait on You and not on that pregnancy test or the next exam or the next blood draw. Help us to wait on You, on Your wisdom and Your direction. Father that our strength for the journey through infertility will come from You alone. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.