October 13, 2010 § 4 Comments
I am enthralled with the Chilean mine rescue that is continuing as I type these words. I am amazed at God’s perfect provision for these men. I am awed at the faith, courage, and perseverance these men have displayed. The idea of being trapped underground for one hour freaks me out. The fact that these men have been there, alive, and generally healthy for months baffles me. It just goes to show me what our God is able to do. I am so glad to see fewer men underground as the hours pass by and I nearly dissolve into a puddle of tears as I see each man raised, essentially from the dead. I am in awe.
This awe is leaking over into my way of thinking about infertility. It often feels like I am stuck in a dark, confined space, when I know God made me for bigger things. I am made to bear children, I am made to mother children. Oh, but I am stuck in a dark hole. I am awaiting rescue. My all-powerful God can make it happen. If God can work things out so that a drill bit cuts into the emergency shelter the 33 mine workers were trapped in, then provide those men with pen, paper, and mental acuity so they can attach a note to the bit, letting everyone know they are alive, then my God can do a miracle in my mine of infertility.
I have said it before and I will say it again, I can get the miracle I want. God could miraculously give my husband and I another child, in my body. Since my tubes are tied, that would be nothing short of an act of God. God could also bring a child that needs adopted and place him or her on our doorstep. You see we cannot go through the emotional ups and downs of treatments or adoption. It would be too hard on us all. Instead, God would have to give us a child. One meant for us to adopt, and make it clear that he or she was from Him. Finally God could do a miracle in my heart and give me contentment in my current situation.
No matter how God chooses to get me out of the mine of infertility, I know He can and He will. I just have to be patient, like those miners. I have to stay in shape, I have to “arm myself with Christ’s attitude” 1 Peter 4:1. I have to trust in God. He is faithful. I just have to rest in Him.
Father God, help me to rest in knowing You are able, You are God, and You have a plan for a miracle in my life. Let my heart be teachable and malleable to Your will and Your ways. Forgive me for despair. Help me to rest in You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
October 6, 2010 § 2 Comments
I have had this subtle, but real discussion with God lately. He is asking, “Do you trust Me?” My knee jerk response is much like Peter’s response to Jesus after Jesus rose from the dead. He asks Peter, “Do you love Me?” Peter says, “yes.” Jesus asks him three times. Peter responds three times. By the third time Peter’s feelings are hurt. By then Peter couldn’t just ignore the question, he had to truly think about his life and actions. He must have thought, “Do I really love Jesus?” Each time Jesus asked Peter this question, He gave Peter a way to show his love. “Feed My sheep,” is Jesus’ answer to Peter.
As God has been asking, “Do you trust Me,” there are several things that I realize I haven’t laid at His feet. I say I trust Him, I say surely God knows I trust Him. Oh but when the rubber hits the road in my life I am not trusting God.
Am I trusting God with my longing for more children or am I carrying it with me as if I could fulfill that longing without Him.
Am I trusting God by submitting to my husband? When Dan and I disagree with how to proceed or what to do with my desire for more children, I have some choices to make. My sinful self wants only my way, but my God tells me to submit to my husband and allow him to lead. Making the choice to submit often feels like I am trusting myself to the whims of my husband, a sinful man. However it is really trusting God. He gave me my husband. He planned for husbands to be the leader of the home. When I do not submit to my husband, I am really saying I do not trust You God.
So as God is asking me, “Do you trust Me,” I need to show Him I do in my life. This may turn into a recurring series because there are so many aspects of infertility in which we have to trust Him.
Father God, thank You for being faithful and trustworthy. Forgive me for holding back and only trusting You in word rather than in word and deed. Help me to lay my longing and my rights at Your feet. I love You! In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
In what ways do you need to show God You trust Him?
October 4, 2010 § 3 Comments
Call me crazy. You may already think that I am. A few weeks ago God laid something on my heart.
Pray for Noah.
I know several Noah’s. I have a nephew Noah, a friend’s child is Noah, there is a baby named Noah at church. I can’t tell you why I am praying for Noah, but God does.
Is Noah the name of a child my husband and I will adopt some day?
Does one of the Noah’s I know need prayer for something?
Is this how God is going to fill my longing, through praying for Noah?
I don’t know. It seems strange and wonderful. Amazing and well, weird. Oh, but I know God. He is up to something. I may never know this side of heaven why I am praying for Noah. I just know I am to pray for Noah. Ephesians 6:18 says, “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.”
Who are you praying for?
Heavenly Father, Your ways are beyond my ways. I do not understand this call to pray for Noah. What I do understand is that You are God. So I pray Lord, be with Noah. Whoever Noah is, wherever he is work in his life. Lord, I lift him to You. Thank You for loving the children, for working every detail in life out for Your glory and honor. I pray these things in Jesus’ name. Amen.
September 24, 2010 § Leave a comment
I know God has plans for me, yet I long for a child. I am content and full in Him, but I long. I hunger for more. I desire more. In that longing, however there is contentment. The kind that says, “God I trust my dream to Your plans.” I still hope, I still long, but I am content knowing God is in control. I can rest in His love, in His plans, and draw near to Him, despite the longing. Often I draw near to Him because of the longing. Where else can I go? Only He can fulfill my longing. Only He can open my womb and fallopian tubes. Only He can knit a child together in my womb or heart.
Perhaps this is the contentment that Paul is talking about finding. He knows the secret to contentment in any circumstance. Phil 4:11-13 “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” I am sure when Paul was hungry he never stopped longing for food. Yet he was content. He was content because he drew near to Christ. Jesus, our source of strength and comfort.
How often do we let our longing disconnect us from our Source of strength, Jesus. Why not let that longing draw us closer to the Source of power? As we draw near we may find deep contentment side-by-side the longing. Just as an empty stomach will not stop longing for food, our hearts may never stop longing for children. Oh, but we can find contentment as we draw near to God.
Father God, thank You that through Jesus I can do all things that You bring to me. Forgive me for holding to my longing for a child. Help me to bring that longing to You as a daily or hourly or maybe even minute by minute sacrifice. Not to rid myself of this dream, but to come near to You to find the strength to be content in You alone. Thank You for Jesus. In His Name, Amen.
How can you use longing as a reminder to draw near to Him?
September 22, 2010 § 1 Comment
Oh to hold you in my arms,
to watch you while you sleep;
to wrap your tiny hand in mine,
to kiss your soft pudgy cheek.
Oh to know the sound of your cry,
to see the sparkle in your eye,
to know your gender,
to say your name,
all privileges never attained.
My precious babies 22,
all wonder and potential,
are you there on heaven’s shore
awaiting my arrival?
My dear ones,
I miss you,
your siblings and daddy say so too,
know you are never far from our thoughts,
until in heaven when we are with you.
September 20, 2010 § 8 Comments
Infertility is the cause of many tears I have shed over the last five years. Sometimes I was so raw that I felt the tears would never stop. A flood from some deep dark place that would only ebb for a few hours and then break loose again. What is truly amazing to me is that God knows. He is there. The Bible tells us, He is the God of all comfort, but we often forget that He remembers our tears.
Psalm 56:8 (ESV) says, “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?” The word tossings means a lamentation, or wandering. Haven’t you felt that way? Not knowing what to do next, not finding relief from the grief, wandering, tossing. Oh and God has kept count of it all. He knows what is going on inside you. He alone can truly say, “I understand.” Not only that, but He keeps our tears in a bottle. God holds our tears in a bottle to remember them, to memorialize our grief, and to let us know He cares. He doesn’t let one tear drop to the ground without catching it. Isn’t that wonderfully amazing? That the God who holds the universe together, the God that made the mountains, the oceans, the Grand Canyon, cares enough about me. A person made from dust and to dust I will on day return. I am like a dandelion, here today and gone tomorrow. Yet God keeps my tears I have shed because He cares for me! Not only does He keep my tears in a bottle, where they get mixed up and it is difficult to know if that one tear was for my children I will never hold or for the time I broke my arm. No He wants to know why each tear was shed. So He records it in His book. Oh some of the tears I may wish I never wasted. Tears over toys or sin I thought I needed. However most of those tears written down to see will be an amazing testimony of God with me. I cannot wait to get to heaven and see those tear records. My bottle of tears. Honestly I suspect my bottle will be quite smaller than others. I suspect that I have lived easier times than many others. Yet God doesn’t say that I will only keep the tears of those who really deserve to cry, no He will keep all our tears. Recorded for us to remember. In heaven we will have the full picture, we will see God’s glorious plan through the tears. What an amazing way to see God glorified – through our tears!
Are you crying tears of longing, grief, and pain today? As you cry remember God is gathering up those tears, writing them down, and loving you through this difficult time. When you can, thank God for His amazing gift of remembrance that we may glorify Him in our tears.
September 13, 2010 § 2 Comments
As I sat in church one Sunday I was distracted. There was a precious child sitting behind me with his grandparents. He was cooing, drinking a bottle, smiling, and laughing. I smiled and a tear developed in my eye as my heart constricted. I wondered how any of us make it through Sunday morning at church. There are always children. Children of every age and yet it is the babies, still bald and chubby, learning to pull up, cooing, and laughing out loud in great delight, that tear at my heart. I smile at their parents, but my throat tightens. I can hardly breathe. Father I say in my head, please remember me. Oh how I long to hold one of those, one who is mine, no matter the color, or sex. Just a baby that is mine. I manage to hold it together, but it is a battle throughout the service. I am blessed that I get to hug the children I do have after service, but I am also saddened as I walk past the baby rooms.
How do we do this thing? How do we live a life of longing? I am praying that every time I long for a child it drives me closer to God. It hurts, I do not understand, but I pray it drives me closer to Him. As I come closer to Him, I pray I let Him heal the other things in my life. My life isn’t perfect, I don’t have it all together nor do I do it all right. I mess up. In fact I mess up a lot. I am thankful for a forgiving God. I am also thankful that He will not finish perfecting me until He takes me from this world. So as I long, I pray I draw close to Him.
How do you handle the longing? What are ways that you make it through church or baby showers? Let me know so we can encourage each other.