July 24, 2010 § Leave a comment
The journey of infertility is filled with pain, grief, and isolation. However there is a God of the journey, orchestrating each step for His perfect purpose. I found comfort in knowing that when I was in the midst of the darkest parts of my personal journey.
Although, my husband and I already had one child, we longed for more. So after “trying” to get pregnant for three months, we discovered I was pregnant, and we were thrilled. I am a planner, so before the urine dried on the pregnancy test, I had already decided where the baby would sleep, and whether we would find out his or her sex on ultrasound. This baby had a strong hold on my heart.
Within a few short days, I started having bright red spotting. I convinced myself after lots of research, and discussing with my friends and sisters, that it was normal. However about a week later, I had some bleeding that could not be ignored. We soon discovered I had a tubal pregnancy (where the baby implants in the tube instead of the uterus). This is often painful and can be life threatening. We were crushed. The baby was not growing properly in my tube nor could it survive there. Despite receiving treatment, my fallopian tube ruptured. I lost half of my circulating volume of blood! In the hospital in severe pain, I knew God was with me. I prayed that I wouldn’t go through this difficult, and painful time for no reason. I prayed I could honor Him in some way through the pain.
Although my doctor was able to save my tube, it was unlikely that it would function properly. My desire to have a child increased and I was determined to conceive quickly. I began charting my basal body temperature and taking ovulation predictor kits, in an attempt to conceive quickly. Once again, we were blessed to see a second line on the home pregnancy test. Oh happy day!!! Even though I was more cautious with my excitement and planning, this child had carved a niche in my heart too. Since I had already had a tubal pregnancy, I was having frequent blood draws. Not long after the blood draws began, I began to spot, and experience left lower abdominal pain. Although my physicians tried to reassure me that all was OK, and my blood tests looked normal, I knew something was not right. It was almost as if God was preparing me for what was going to happen next.
It was on a Monday, and I went in to have an ultrasound to see what was going on inside me. My lab work showed that I should have a baby in my uterus. On the low resolution machine, my doctor said that there could be something in my uterus, but there was definitely something strange in my left tube. He re-scheduled me for a higher resolution ultrasound later that afternoon. I never kept that appointment, because I experienced the same pain when my tube ruptured with my first tubal pregnancy. Only this time it was on the left side. Now I two ruptured tubes, and a 90% chance of having another tubal pregnancy if I could get pregnant at all. In about six months, I had lost my ability to conceive naturally.
During the time of my second tubal pregnancy, my pastor was preaching a sermon on Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. When they were facing the fiery furnace, they say that their God is able to save them from the furnace, but even if He doesn’t they will never bow to another God. (Dan. 3:17-18) So I prayed that God would give me that kind of faith through the loss of my fertility. That no matter how difficult, that no matter how painful, I would cling to Him. I knew He was able to do anything, for He is the God of miracles, but I also knew His ways are not my ways. So I prayed that despite and through the loss of my ability to conceive children naturally, my faith in God would stay strong. Sisters it isn’t easy. There are still days I ask why, days I want to throw myself a pity party, but God is bringing me in closer relationship to Him. He is even bringing beauty from the ashes of my barrenness.
Father God, help us as we ask You why. As we long for a child, help us to experience your love. Remind us in tangible ways that we are NOT alone, and that we are NOT defective. Father help our unbelief as we are longing for children that You have yet to bless us with. Oh Lord, let us find strength in the shadow of Your wings for our current journey. Let us cling to You, the Lover of our souls. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, that we may honor You through the pain. We pray for miracles for each woman reading this prayer. Lord that Your hand will be on their bodies, hearts, and minds. In Your Son’s powerful name we pray, the name of Jesus. Amen.