September 22, 2010 § 1 Comment
Oh to hold you in my arms,
to watch you while you sleep;
to wrap your tiny hand in mine,
to kiss your soft pudgy cheek.
Oh to know the sound of your cry,
to see the sparkle in your eye,
to know your gender,
to say your name,
all privileges never attained.
My precious babies 22,
all wonder and potential,
are you there on heaven’s shore
awaiting my arrival?
My dear ones,
I miss you,
your siblings and daddy say so too,
know you are never far from our thoughts,
until in heaven when we are with you.
September 8, 2010 § Leave a comment
I am in a waiting period in my infertility journey, but many of you are in a season of going. Going involves a different kind of waiting. When we are going, we wait for doctors, test results, social workers, or parental rights to be revoked. This waiting is filled with hope, expectation, and possibility. During my go times, I found myself desperately beyond comprehension hoping. Yet I was holding my heart back for fear that my going would result in nothing. Going was wonderful because we had a plan and a direction. Oh, but going was painful because we never knew what the result would be. Could we get pregnant with IVF this time? Will a birth mom finally choose us, or will IUI work this time?
So how do we get through the waiting while moving ahead without turning into lunatics? Practically, we don’t allow whatever “going” we are doing to consume us. There is a great big world out there beyond whatever road we are pursuing to have children. We have a spouse to love, respect, and encourage. There are friends to encourage, dishes to wash, stories to tell and hear. There is more to life than our going. In fact during this going season we can pick up a new hobby. Knitting. I love to knit. While I waited at doctor appointments, lab draws, and ultrasound checks, I knitted. I made things for friends, family, teachers. Maybe you are a technophile and filling your waiting with time on facebook, blogging, or video games is up your alley. I have also learned that memorizing God’s word is a great way to fill the time that could be squandered in waiting. Perhaps a verse on God’s faithfulness would be a good place to start.
When we start out on the direction God has given us for our infertile journey, let us not forget waiting is a big part of going. As we wait, let us rest in God knowing that; “The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8 God is before us leading us down the path, waiting with us and never leaving us. He is telling us to trust Him with the results and not be afraid or discouraged. He promises to never leave but more than that to never forsake us. Amazing but true. God is in the midst of it all.
Are you going? Are you waiting? Tell me about what you are doing. I would love to pray for you.
September 6, 2010 § Leave a comment
So we are waiting for God to perform a miracle. Right? A miracle in our bodies, so we can have a child, a miracle in circumstance so that a precious child who needs adopted comes to our door, or a miracle in our hearts so that we are content with our current situation. As we wait, we pray. We sometimes beg, other times we timidly ask, still other times we may practically yell our requests. However we wait. We wait for God to move.
The amazing thing is that God promises to renew our strength as we wait on Him. More than that, as we wait, God wants to give us a new perspective of Him. So He mounts us on eagles wings. He promises that we will run and not be weary. Ladies, He wants us to serve Him as we wait. Whatever form it takes, let us be faithful to run hard after God. Let us never waste our waiting on sitting like a bump on the log. However God isn’t done with us yet. On those difficult days when we just don’t have the energy to run, God promises us that we will walk and not faint. Ladies that means that on those hard days when we are struggling with God over our infertility. When we barely have strength to put on foot in front of the other, God is going to sustain us to keep us walking in Him.
In other words, as we wait, we grow in Him and we become stronger. I don’t know about you all, but I certainly could use more strength for the journey.
Father, thank You that as we wait for You, You will renew our strength. Father help us to wait on You and not on that pregnancy test or the next exam or the next blood draw. Help us to wait on You, on Your wisdom and Your direction. Father that our strength for the journey through infertility will come from You alone. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.
September 3, 2010 § 2 Comments
I confess I am not always eloquent, nor do I much grace. I am a klutz who is too familiar with the taste of foot because I often find my foot in my mouth. When it comes to infertility it seems the world around us has foot-in-mouth disease. People say things that must seem funny or insightful to them, but feel like arrows piercing our aching hearts. At least that is how I have felt lately.
I have been dodging arrows. People hear I have three kids or see me with them and jokingly ask, “Are you ready for another.” They think I will quickly say, “NO!” They don’t know that I desperately want more and that I am sad that I have lost so many. I try to dodge the arrow, to pretend I didn’t hear or to laugh it off. Some days I answer, “I would like more, but I can’t have more.” Other days I even explain myself further. “Two of my three are IVF babies, but we don’t have any more embryos, so we can’t have more.” The explanation could drag on and on about the miracle I am praying for and waiting on God to accomplish. In the mean time I am dodging arrows.
Sometimes those arrows hit home and hit hard. I get mad or frustrated. I can really let those emotions drag me somewhere I don’t want to go. So instead I have been praying for wisdom and discernment. I have been praying that as I don the armor of God, I use it wisely. That the belt of truth will be my foundation, that the breastplate of righteousness will guard my aching heart. I pray my feet will be ready to go to spread the gospel regardless of my unruly emotions. I hold high that shield of faith because it helps me ward off the fiery darts Satan throws at me. I pray that my salvation will guard my mind as my helmet and that I will use God’s word as the sword of the Spirit in gentleness and love. (Ephesians 6:10-18)
Sisters, infertility is a battle we are walking through, but God didn’t put us on this battle field helpless, defenseless, or offense-less. We have Godly armor available for our use, as others toss hurtful, crazy, off-the-wall comments toward us. We have to choose to wear it and pray for wisdom about how and when to use certain parts of it.
Father God, we are longing for children and You have said no, at least for now. So we pray that You will give us the strength to don Your armor. Help give us wisdom about when to use Your sword and when it is time to dodge arrows. Father, we thank You that through Your power and wisdom, we do not have to face these hurtful comments alone. Thank You for Your love and provision. Amen.
What are some arrows you have and thrown your way lately? Share with me some of the crazy or even uneducated things people have said to you.
September 1, 2010 § Leave a comment
I have been praying for a miracle. A miracle within my body so I can somehow conceive another child naturally; or a miracle that lands an orphan on my doorstep ready for adoption, no strings attached; or the biggest miracle of all, the one in my heart for contentment for my current situation.
I am not talking about liking the fact that I cannot without a miracle from God get pregnant naturally. I can never fathom enjoying the fact that against my will, I cannot add another child to my family. I am talking about the contentment that is found in God alone. Not the kind that I muster up, denying my true feelings, and hold tight to because I am afraid if I breathe wrong I may blow the peace and contentment away. I am talking about the type of contentment that is contrary to my human nature. The type that says, “God I would prefer to have more children, I know You are able to do it, but Your will, not mine be done.” This type of contentment is the kind Paul connects with Christ’s power.
When I lay down my preferences, my plans, my dreams, my hopes, my directions for life, and I allow God to have His way in me, then I can have contentment in Him despite my circumstances. In Philippians 4:12-13 Paul writes, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” So when I find contentment in Christ, I have His strength to do anything. Through contentment in Christ I have His power to face infertility. I have His power to not personalize comments that unintentionally pour salt on the wounds infertility has worn. Finding contentment in Christ empowers me to move beyond myself and my wounds, so that I can reach out to comfort others going through the grief and pain of infertility too.
Contentment in God empowers us to face infertility without tearing ourselves and our relationships apart. Christ’s power is ready and available to us. Are we ready to find contentment in Him?
Leave a comment about what you are struggling to lay down at God’s feet so you can find contentment in Him. I’ll be praying that God give you the strength to lay it down so He can empower you to face infertility. Bless you sweet sister!
August 30, 2010 § Leave a comment
While trying to conceive, each month feels like a storm. The storm starts brewing as you plot and plan, watch and wait for the “perfect” time to baby dance. The clouds get darker and stormier as your hope increases because the timing was perfect. The winds start to howl as your hormones are whipped into a frenzy. The day has come and there is no sign of your monthly flow, you celebrate. As you head to the store (or cabinet) to get a home pregnancy test you ignore the first drop of rain, deciding it was only your imagination. As the urine dries on the stick, and there is no second line appearing, the storm breaks loose. You feel as if the walls around your house are closing in and a stick that says you are not pregnant is battering you. What is there to keep you safe from the storm of raging hormones, dreams deferred, and dashed hopes?
We who know Christ as our personal Savior, who trust in Him for our eternal security, have an anchor to keep us from being knocked off course. Despite the storm of possibility and dashed hopes, we have a hope that is secure. In fact Hebrews (ESV) 6:19-20 says, “We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf..” Our hope as children of God goes beyond ourselves and this world. This verse says we have a hope that is beyond the curtain, in the inner place. That is referring to the Jewish temple and the Holy of Holies. The Holy of Holies was where a holy God met with unholy man. After Jesus died for our sins, God tore the curtain to the Holy of Holies. Through Christ’s sacrifice everyone could have a personal relationship with God. Therefore our hope and our anchor is the cross in the most holy place, God’s dwelling place, heaven. We have the hope of eternal communion with God. That anchor, that hope, can keep us from dashing into the rocks of bitterness, anger, and self-pity.
When we cling to our anchor despite the storm, we can find true hope. Not hope that we will one day hold of child of our own. No, a hope that does not disappoint. The hope of eternity with a loving God who comforts, loves, protects, and understands our pain.
Thank You God for true lasting secure hope. Help us to hold tight to the anchor of hope you have for us, as the storm of being unable to conceive rages around us. Help us to rest in Your anchor, trusting You for our future, knowing You have a plan for us that is better than we could dream. Thank You for Jesus. Amen.
August 23, 2010 § Leave a comment
Infertility is full of so many uncertainties. We question everything. Why am I unable to conceive? Did I eat the wrong thing? Did I make poor choices in my past? Did I do something, anything that has caused this pain? Our hearts are condemning us. They are calling us guilty. Guilty of being unable to have a child, if nothing else.
The kicker is that the causes of infertility can include past choices that haunt us. However through Jesus, we have redemption. We no longer have to live in condemnation. In fact any time we hear the accusing voice it comes not from our Lord, but from Satan, the accuser. Have you heard him whisper the lie of “it is all your fault that you cannot have children?” Maybe Satan is bringing up past sin that you have repented of, but he is now taunting you with. Perhaps he is accusing you in a different way. “You are no true woman, since you can’t bear children. You are worthless.” He even tries to get us to believe our bodies, which are temples of God, have betrayed us.
As we listen to Satan’s lies the guilt and condemnation rise. Soon he lulls us into listening to his song with lyrics like you do not deserve the blessing of children. Satan stands back pleased with the sniveling, broken women we have become, simply because we cannot have what we long for. Ladies, let us not buy Satan’s lies. Let us not be taken in by half-truths and thus further fall into depression and self-loathing. NO! Romans 8:1 says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…” Period end of story. When we hear whispers of condemnation we must fight back. We are not to live in the past, tied to sin that we have asked God to forgive. No, Jesus died to free us from sin and death. We are now free, forgiven.
Ladies, we can let God use infertility in our lives to grow us closer to Him, and to mature us, or we can let Satan use it as a weapon of condemnation. Let us not listen to Satan’s lies any more. Let us listen to Jesus, the lover of our souls. Let us rest in the shadow of His wings. We are not condemned, no we have victory in Jesus!
Precious Lord Jesus, thank You that You do not condemn us. Thank You for forgiveness, for mercy, for grace. Help us Lord Jesus not to focus on the lies Satan is trying to trap us in. Remind us that condemnation is not from You. Your word tells us that it is Your kindness that leads us to confess sin. So when we hear condemnation help us to turn our ears off to those lies and focus on Your truth. That You love us, that You forgive us, and that You have heaven waiting for those who believe. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.