Love You

October 11, 2010 § Leave a comment

Love you.
The words tear at my heart.
Insatiable longing for who is not,
at least not yet.

Love you.
Echos again in my mind.
Ripping my heart open
for what is not mine
at least not yet.

Love you.
Whispered this time,
as through time and space
from some unearthly place.
As if to say it is not time,
at least not yet.

Love you.
In sing-song lilt,
almost painful to hear.
Yet peace is some how near.
A promise of forever, no more tears to endure
the day that has not come,
at least not yet.

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Enough Faith to Overcome Infertility Part 3

October 8, 2010 § 1 Comment

Fiery furnace 02

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In part one of this series we discovered that God desires a quality faith. Quality faith says, “I know God is able, but He may not do what I desire Him to do. Regardless, I will not stop worshiping Him.” Part two of this series laid out how we develop a quality faith. Through seeing God working in our lives, we develop a faith that will hold on despite God’s ways being different than ours.

So in our third and final installment we are going to see how quality faith realizes God’s plans are not our plans. Can you see Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego standing before the king with their knees knocking together? They boldly tell the king that their God is ABLE to save them from the fiery furnace. I am guessing in their minds they were planning that God could cause the soldiers to refuse to obey the king, or maybe God will put the fire in the furnace out so that it can’t be lit again. I do things like that. I make plans for how God can save me out of a fiery furnace in my life. He can miraculously heal my friend so she doesn’t have breast cancer any more and needs no surgery or chemo. He can miraculously provide the exact sum of money my friend needs so that she can keep her house. He can repair a marriage without the hard work that generally goes into reconciling two people who have deeply hurt each other. He can miraculously open my womb so I can have the children for which I desperately long. Oh, I have great plans. However God often doesn’t save us from the fiery furnace, instead, He saves us through the fiery furnace.

In fact Isaiah 43:2 says, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Do you see it? God doesn’t promise that you won’t have to walk through some flooded ground, or that you won’t have to swim across a raging river, or that you won’t have to walk through the fire. God does promise that He will be with you, that the waters won’t cause you to drown, and that the flames will not burn you. No sisters He doesn’t promise that your faith will keep you from these things, instead He promises to be with you through those hard times. He promises you that you will not drown or burn. It may feel like drowning and burning, but it is only the refining process. The process that brings maturity, the process that purifies your faith.

Father God thank You that Your plans are much better than my own. Forgive me for complaining about the fiery furnace and for doubting You as I walk through it. Be real to me and my friends who are walking through the water and fire. Cleanse us of our sin, refine us to be more like Jesus. Help us to remember the fire and water are part of Your plan. Let us rest in You as we long for more children. In Jesus’ name Amen.

In what ways can you thank God for being near you as you walk through the furnace of infertility? Share with me what you think.

Do You Trust Me?

October 6, 2010 § 2 Comments

Painting of Saint Peter by Peter Paul Rubens d...

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I have had this subtle, but real discussion with God lately. He is asking, “Do you trust Me?” My knee jerk response is much like Peter’s response to Jesus after Jesus rose from the dead. He asks Peter, “Do you love Me?” Peter says, “yes.” Jesus asks him three times. Peter responds three times. By the third time Peter’s feelings are hurt. By then Peter couldn’t just ignore the question, he had to truly think about his life and actions. He must have thought, “Do I really love Jesus?” Each time Jesus asked Peter this question, He gave Peter a way to show his love. “Feed My sheep,” is Jesus’ answer to Peter.

As God has been asking, “Do you trust Me,” there are several things that I realize I haven’t laid at His feet. I say I trust Him, I say surely God knows I trust Him. Oh but when the rubber hits the road in my life I am not trusting God.

Am I trusting God with my longing for more children or am I carrying it with me as if I could fulfill that longing without Him.

Am I trusting God by submitting to my husband? When Dan and I disagree with how to proceed or what to do with my desire for more children, I have some choices to make. My sinful self wants only my way, but my God tells me to submit to my husband and allow him to lead. Making the choice to submit often feels like I am trusting myself to the whims of my husband, a sinful man. However it is really trusting God. He gave me my husband. He planned for husbands to be the leader of the home. When I do not submit to my husband, I am really saying I do not trust You God.

So as God is asking me, “Do you trust Me,” I need to show Him I do in my life. This may turn into a recurring series because there are so many aspects of infertility in which we have to trust Him.

Father God, thank You for being faithful and trustworthy. Forgive me for holding back and only trusting You in word rather than in word and deed. Help me to lay my longing and my rights at Your feet. I love You! In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

In what ways do you need to show God You trust Him?

Noah

October 4, 2010 § 3 Comments

Noah's sacrifice

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Call me crazy. You may already think that I am.  A few weeks ago God laid something on my heart.

Pray for Noah.

I know several Noah’s. I have a nephew Noah, a friend’s child is Noah, there is a baby named Noah at church. I can’t tell you why I am praying for Noah, but God does.

Is Noah the name of a child my husband and I will adopt some day?

Does one of the Noah’s I know need prayer for something?

Is this how God is going to fill my longing, through praying for Noah?

I don’t know. It seems strange and wonderful. Amazing and well, weird. Oh, but I know God. He is up to something. I may never know this side of heaven why I am praying for Noah. I just know I am to pray for Noah. Ephesians 6:18 says, “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.”

Who are you praying for?

Heavenly Father, Your ways are beyond my ways. I do not understand this call to pray for Noah. What I do understand is that You are God. So I pray Lord, be with Noah. Whoever Noah is, wherever he is work in his life. Lord, I lift him to You. Thank You for loving the children, for working every detail in life out for Your glory and honor. I pray these things in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Longing Contentment

September 24, 2010 § Leave a comment

I know God has plans for me, yet I long for a child. I am content and full in Him, but I long. I hunger for more. I desire more. In that longing, however there is contentment. The kind that says, “God I trust my dream to Your plans.” I still hope, I still long, but I am content knowing God is in control. I can rest in His love, in His plans, and draw near to Him, despite the longing. Often I draw near to Him because of the longing. Where else can I go? Only He can fulfill my longing. Only He can open my womb and fallopian tubes. Only He can knit a child together in my womb or heart.

Perhaps this is the contentment that Paul is talking about finding. He knows the secret to contentment in any circumstance. Phil 4:11-13 “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” I am sure when Paul was hungry he never stopped longing for food. Yet he was content. He was content because he drew near to Christ. Jesus, our source of strength and comfort.

How often do we let our longing disconnect us from our Source of strength, Jesus. Why not let that longing draw us closer to the Source of power? As we draw near we may find deep contentment side-by-side the longing. Just as an empty stomach will not stop longing for food, our hearts may never stop longing for children. Oh, but we can find contentment as we draw near to God.

Father God, thank You that through Jesus I can do all things that You bring to me. Forgive me for holding to my longing for a child. Help me to bring that longing to You as a daily or hourly or maybe even minute by minute sacrifice. Not to rid myself of this dream, but to come near to You to find the strength to be content in You alone. Thank You for Jesus. In His Name, Amen.

How can you use longing as a reminder to draw near to Him?

My Dear Ones

September 22, 2010 § 1 Comment

Oh to hold you in my arms,
to watch you while you sleep;
to wrap your tiny hand in mine,
to kiss your soft pudgy cheek.

Oh to know the sound of your cry,
to see the sparkle in your eye,
to know your gender,
to say your name,
all privileges never attained.

My precious babies 22,
all wonder and potential,
are you there on heaven’s shore
awaiting my arrival?

My dear ones,
I miss you,
your siblings and daddy say so too,
know you are never far from our thoughts,
until in heaven when we are with you.

What God does with My Tears

September 20, 2010 § 8 Comments

Infertility is the cause of many tears I have shed over the last five years. Sometimes I was so raw that I felt the tears would never stop. A flood from some deep dark place that would only ebb for a few hours and then break loose again. What is truly amazing to me is that God knows. He is there. The Bible tells us, He is the God of all comfort, but we often forget that He remembers our tears.

Psalm 56:8 (ESV) says, “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?” The word tossings means a lamentation, or wandering. Haven’t you felt that way? Not knowing what to do next, not finding relief from the grief, wandering, tossing. Oh and God has kept count of it all. He knows what is going on inside you. He alone can truly say, “I understand.” Not only that, but He keeps our tears in a bottle. God holds our tears in a bottle to remember them, to memorialize our grief, and to let us know He cares. He doesn’t let one tear drop to the ground without catching it. Isn’t that wonderfully amazing? That the God who holds the universe together, the God that made the mountains, the oceans, the Grand Canyon, cares enough about me. A person made from dust and to dust I will on day return. I am like a dandelion, here today and gone tomorrow. Yet God keeps my tears I have shed because He cares for me! Not only does He keep my tears in a bottle, where they get mixed up and it is difficult to know if that one tear was for my children I will never hold or for the time I broke my arm. No He wants to know why each tear was shed. So He records it in His book. Oh some of the tears I may wish I never wasted. Tears over toys or sin I thought I needed. However most of those tears written down to see will be an amazing testimony of God with me. I cannot wait to get to heaven and see those tear records. My bottle of tears. Honestly I suspect my bottle will be quite smaller than others. I suspect that I have lived easier times than many others. Yet God doesn’t say that I will only keep the tears of those who really deserve to cry, no He will keep all our tears. Recorded for us to remember. In heaven we will have the full picture, we will see God’s glorious plan through the tears. What an amazing way to see God glorified – through our tears!

Are you crying tears of longing, grief, and pain today? As you cry remember God is gathering up those tears, writing them down, and loving you through this difficult time. When you can, thank God for His amazing gift of remembrance that we may glorify Him in our tears.

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