September 27, 2010 § Leave a comment
I have felt the pressure from others that if only I had enough faith, then God would give me a child. I never should have used fertility treatments. So I have decided to do a series of posts on faith and infertility.
Have you ever thought, if only I have enough faith, I can have a child? I just need to visualize it, or imagine it, maybe I just need to say the right words. Certainly then God will hear me and open my womb.
Is that how you feel right now? Are you feeling burdened that you don’t have enough faith to get what you want most, a child? Do you wonder how much faith makes it “enough” so that you can have a baby?
Oh sweet friend, Jesus does not equate the quantity of faith with healing. Sometimes when He healed people miraculously he mentions their faith. However He doesn’t mention a quantity of faith, but a quality of faith (See Mark 5, Matt 18, and Matt 15).
This quality faith is the kind that knows God is able to do anything, but He may choose not to do it. It is the kind of faith that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had in front of the fiery furnace. They tell the king this, “‘our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.'” Dan 3:17-18 (ESV)
Sisters let us dwell here for a moment. Do we have faith that God is able to make our bodies work properly? Do we believe that He can open our wombs? If we answer yes, then the question is: will we still love and serve Him if He never gives us a child? That is the quality of faith God is looking for. Do you have it?
Father, thank You for being faithful to us. Forgive us for our lack of faith. Lord we hand over our hopes and dreams for having children. We lay them at Your cross. O Lord give us the kind of faith that helps us cling to You regardless if You give us children or not. Thank You for loving us while we long and ache for children. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
September 24, 2010 § Leave a comment
I know God has plans for me, yet I long for a child. I am content and full in Him, but I long. I hunger for more. I desire more. In that longing, however there is contentment. The kind that says, “God I trust my dream to Your plans.” I still hope, I still long, but I am content knowing God is in control. I can rest in His love, in His plans, and draw near to Him, despite the longing. Often I draw near to Him because of the longing. Where else can I go? Only He can fulfill my longing. Only He can open my womb and fallopian tubes. Only He can knit a child together in my womb or heart.
Perhaps this is the contentment that Paul is talking about finding. He knows the secret to contentment in any circumstance. Phil 4:11-13 “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” I am sure when Paul was hungry he never stopped longing for food. Yet he was content. He was content because he drew near to Christ. Jesus, our source of strength and comfort.
How often do we let our longing disconnect us from our Source of strength, Jesus. Why not let that longing draw us closer to the Source of power? As we draw near we may find deep contentment side-by-side the longing. Just as an empty stomach will not stop longing for food, our hearts may never stop longing for children. Oh, but we can find contentment as we draw near to God.
Father God, thank You that through Jesus I can do all things that You bring to me. Forgive me for holding to my longing for a child. Help me to bring that longing to You as a daily or hourly or maybe even minute by minute sacrifice. Not to rid myself of this dream, but to come near to You to find the strength to be content in You alone. Thank You for Jesus. In His Name, Amen.
How can you use longing as a reminder to draw near to Him?
September 22, 2010 § 1 Comment
Oh to hold you in my arms,
to watch you while you sleep;
to wrap your tiny hand in mine,
to kiss your soft pudgy cheek.
Oh to know the sound of your cry,
to see the sparkle in your eye,
to know your gender,
to say your name,
all privileges never attained.
My precious babies 22,
all wonder and potential,
are you there on heaven’s shore
awaiting my arrival?
My dear ones,
I miss you,
your siblings and daddy say so too,
know you are never far from our thoughts,
until in heaven when we are with you.
September 20, 2010 § 8 Comments
Infertility is the cause of many tears I have shed over the last five years. Sometimes I was so raw that I felt the tears would never stop. A flood from some deep dark place that would only ebb for a few hours and then break loose again. What is truly amazing to me is that God knows. He is there. The Bible tells us, He is the God of all comfort, but we often forget that He remembers our tears.
Psalm 56:8 (ESV) says, “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?” The word tossings means a lamentation, or wandering. Haven’t you felt that way? Not knowing what to do next, not finding relief from the grief, wandering, tossing. Oh and God has kept count of it all. He knows what is going on inside you. He alone can truly say, “I understand.” Not only that, but He keeps our tears in a bottle. God holds our tears in a bottle to remember them, to memorialize our grief, and to let us know He cares. He doesn’t let one tear drop to the ground without catching it. Isn’t that wonderfully amazing? That the God who holds the universe together, the God that made the mountains, the oceans, the Grand Canyon, cares enough about me. A person made from dust and to dust I will on day return. I am like a dandelion, here today and gone tomorrow. Yet God keeps my tears I have shed because He cares for me! Not only does He keep my tears in a bottle, where they get mixed up and it is difficult to know if that one tear was for my children I will never hold or for the time I broke my arm. No He wants to know why each tear was shed. So He records it in His book. Oh some of the tears I may wish I never wasted. Tears over toys or sin I thought I needed. However most of those tears written down to see will be an amazing testimony of God with me. I cannot wait to get to heaven and see those tear records. My bottle of tears. Honestly I suspect my bottle will be quite smaller than others. I suspect that I have lived easier times than many others. Yet God doesn’t say that I will only keep the tears of those who really deserve to cry, no He will keep all our tears. Recorded for us to remember. In heaven we will have the full picture, we will see God’s glorious plan through the tears. What an amazing way to see God glorified – through our tears!
Are you crying tears of longing, grief, and pain today? As you cry remember God is gathering up those tears, writing them down, and loving you through this difficult time. When you can, thank God for His amazing gift of remembrance that we may glorify Him in our tears.
September 17, 2010 § Leave a comment
I have decided to start a regular feature on this blog called Smiles from the Trenches of Infertility. Infertility is painful, physically, emotionally and mentally. However there are many things that we experience because of infertility that can plain make you laugh at loud. I hope this feature will help you find joy during your journey…
For my first entry, I have to tell as story about my first child. My infertility is of a secondary sort, thus my husband and I, had the added complication of deciding what to tell our child. My husband and I have both been in the medical field, so we explained in terms our daughter could understand about what we went through so she could have a sister. My oldest child had seen video of her younger sister as an embryo and one day she brought home a picture for her sister. It was a black circle with several different colored lines inside the circle. She explained to me that it was a picture of her baby sister as an embryo. She told me God would take the lines and put them together to make a baby. Sweet and funny. I wish I could have seen what her other four-year old friends thought as she described the picture to them during school. I wonder if the teacher received any calls from concerned parents.
Just a funny to hopefully brighten your day!
September 13, 2010 § 2 Comments
As I sat in church one Sunday I was distracted. There was a precious child sitting behind me with his grandparents. He was cooing, drinking a bottle, smiling, and laughing. I smiled and a tear developed in my eye as my heart constricted. I wondered how any of us make it through Sunday morning at church. There are always children. Children of every age and yet it is the babies, still bald and chubby, learning to pull up, cooing, and laughing out loud in great delight, that tear at my heart. I smile at their parents, but my throat tightens. I can hardly breathe. Father I say in my head, please remember me. Oh how I long to hold one of those, one who is mine, no matter the color, or sex. Just a baby that is mine. I manage to hold it together, but it is a battle throughout the service. I am blessed that I get to hug the children I do have after service, but I am also saddened as I walk past the baby rooms.
How do we do this thing? How do we live a life of longing? I am praying that every time I long for a child it drives me closer to God. It hurts, I do not understand, but I pray it drives me closer to Him. As I come closer to Him, I pray I let Him heal the other things in my life. My life isn’t perfect, I don’t have it all together nor do I do it all right. I mess up. In fact I mess up a lot. I am thankful for a forgiving God. I am also thankful that He will not finish perfecting me until He takes me from this world. So as I long, I pray I draw close to Him.
How do you handle the longing? What are ways that you make it through church or baby showers? Let me know so we can encourage each other.